Sunday, October 17, 2010
I took a college level class this semester. Partly to lumber towards the completion of the ever fleeting dream of getting that Associates Degree. But mostly to satisfy a need at work - our yearly goals.
And I hate it.
Absolutely hate it.
I'm sure that part of it is that I resent taking the class for someone other than me. Me is a byproduct on this one.
And part of it is that I just don't want to be behind a desk anymore. I've known that for some time, but it's probably time to take it on and see what happens.
I want to cook. I just want to earn a good, honest living by flipping eggs someplace and coming home to my small haven, enjoying my books and the quiet. There. Now that's out too.
Somewhere, when I wasn't looking or when I didn't care, or when I was too worried about everyone but me, I got caught up in the idea of status quo. I've had the same job for almost 12 years. There's not really anything to complain about, the job pays well, my boss isn't the worst, I've done well in terms of increasing my salary. It just doesn't excite me. And I have some issues with the morality of the business world. I don't want to be in a job where the world will stop turning if something or someone isn't completed on an unrealistic timeline.
Yet here I sit. Well, not at this particular moment, but generally speaking. I'll be heading to my desk on Tuesday (off tomorrow to attend my sister's wedding) and putting myself on the corporate treadmill again.
It's time to get off.
Monday, August 9, 2010
It's more than that though. I think that there are certain events, books, songs, people that light that flame within us, and just the memory of that event, book, song, person keeps that flame flickering. It lights a passion within us, which, in turn inspires others.
My Flame Lighting Moments!
Inspiration #1 -
I remember being deeply inspired by Robert Frost. In ninth grade, we had to memorize - and then recite - the entire poem "Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening". It captured, for me, the beauty and quiet that I have always found in a snowfall. To this day, I can all but recite the whole poem. I remember putting a book of poetry by Robert Frost on my Christmas list that year. My mother thought I was nuts, and made a point of telling me that she spent $12.95 on the damn book, but on Christmas morning, I opened "The Poetry of Robert Frost". I still keep the book on my shelf. I've paged through it hundreds of times, stopping randomly and reading a poem. It still brings a smile to my face and joy to my heart. I love the way Mr. Frost takes just a few words and transports me to the snowy woods. Mom, I think you got your thirteen bucks out of that gift!
Inspiration #2 -
"Luck of the Draw" by Bonnie Raitt. Both the album, probably my all time favorite, and the song. Oh, I know everyone went gaga over "I Can't Make You Love Me", but the first time I listened to the son, I fell in love. Paul Brady wrote the lyrics, but Bonnie's voice made them come alive to me. Odd though, I just tried to link something from YouTube, and I cannot find her version of the song. I don't know that the single went anywhere for Bonnie, but her version still remains at or near the top of my favorite song list.
Inspiration #3 -
Dorothy B Hughes. "The Case of the Real Perry Mason". A biography of Erle Stanley Gardner. Yeah, OK. I hear you laughing. I saved for weeks, had my mom write out a check and had this book shipped to me when I was seventeen years old. I'd been a fan of the Perry Mason series since I was old enough to watch the reruns on TV. For YEARS, I thought that the inspiration here was going to send me to law school, returning as the lawyer no one could beat. In reality, the inspiration was Mr Gardner himself. His work ethic. His 'podunking'. His travel stories. I believe, and I would have to get the book to confirm this - yeah, it's on the same shelf as the Frost book! - that he said something to the effect of 'I figured out a long time ago that the only way I could travel was to be a writer. I could take my work with me, and still satisfy my wanderlust.'. It was one of the first times I had encountered the word wanderlust. Sigh. Probably one of my favorite words.
I think there's more inspirations that I want to share, but for now, I'm noticing that they all reference words. Lyrics. Poetry. Wanderlust. My mind wants to churn on that.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
But that's a whole post, a whole weeks worth of posts.
And that's time I don't intend to waste.
I did it again. I went back to the local community college and reenrolled. Again. I think I've enrolled a half a dozen times now. Just six more classes, six tiny little classes to get my Associates Degree. Oh, I know, I hear you snickering. But I've been trying to get this degree complete for THIRTY YEARS. I have credits older than my children! I've promised myself that I'll get it done this time. I'd like to get it before my 50th in 2011...... maybe. Perhaps it needs to go on the Bucket List? That seems to be capturing most of my attention these days.
I am doing another first in February - a seven day cruise to the Bahamas. I did it mostly to say that I went on a cruise. I must admit, I'm not 100% sure this is a Bucket List item... last couple of times I've done a dinner cruise or sightseeing cruise, I all but did the horka horka.
Not a very flattering thing, the horka horka.
At any rate, is it time to formalize the Bucket List? Post it for the world to see and to hold me accountable to? It may be.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Saturday, July 10, 2010
I did it. I crossed 'get a tattoo' off my bucket list. The appointment was for 12:30 today. By 1:30, I was.....elated. Excited. Thrilled. My beloved Dakota's paw print, is resting in one of her favorite places. On my right calf. Dakota would lay her head on my right leg at night, sometimes looking for pets and love, sometimes just staring at me. Now she's there again.
I feel better. I haven't really thought about the impact that losing her had on my life, my spirit, my attitude. Now I feel like I have her back - oh, not that she ever left my heart or my mind - but now there's the physical part of her back. Resting comfortably on my leg while I go through my day to day.
And my mother will probably fall off her chair when she sees it! An added bonus. I'm sure her first question will be 'How much did it cost?'
It didn't really hurt. It stung a bit - particularly the outline! - and it burned a little, but certainly nothing like some of the other things I've done or had done over the years.
And it leads to the next question....
What will my next one be?
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Ok. So, since last night, it's been playing non stop on my mind tape machine! But there's another one playing too. I think it's on the same album - does calling it an album date me? So I went on out to YouTube...
What is the stuff dreams are made of?
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
My life seems to be monopolized by either my job or Lancaster. I'm going to do what I can to put the breaks on both items. I want, I NEED, to complete myself somehow. Define the passions. Break my balls free. I think about another dog quite often - but just haven't felt it yet while looking. I feel myself drool when I think about travel. Particularly north. Adirondacks. Maine. Canada. They are passionate, private thoughts now.
But I want them to be public actions.
And I am totally, absolutely enthralled with the idea of vandwelling.
But more on that later.
I'm writing. It's a passion. Words are a passion. And it feels GOOD.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Yes, privacy. I value the peace and quiet time for private thoughts on a Sunday morning. Peace and quiet until others invade and begin the daily grind. That would be the daily grind on my nerves....it's like they do not understand the value of a quiet voice, a separation of self. My favorite part of the day is when the door closes and I do not have to deal with the noise, the questions, the ignorance and the stupidity. The place where my private thoughts and actions are not questioned, scrutinized, ridiculed and dismissed.
It's categorized as brusqueness, or aloofness, by some. For me, it's a full blown need to be alone.
To think, to dream, to wonder.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Yeah, the weight.
OK. So one of my passions needs to be............ me. Taking care of me. More good stuff in, less bad stuff in. Good thoughts. Time to be physical. I need to make sure that me is closer to being in the top 10........... hey, I might even get to the point where I'm #1!
Saturday, January 2, 2010
OK, so the Lancaster trip wasn't that horrible. It was nice to lay around, read, watch TV by candlelight - thanks again, Yankee Candle, for putting Autumn Lodge back out - and really have nothing to do. 24 hours isn't that long of a time.
Passions. What are my passions? I like lots of stuff, but what do I truly love? That's part of what I want to explore here over the coming months. Work out what they are and work though what it will take to pursue those passions. In my heart, I know that I need those passions to help me through the day to day drudgery and bull manure that I endure.
Balls. What happened to mine? Here of late, I've become meek. Quiet. I'd gone through a period of time where I was ready, anxious to try new experiences. Now, I want to crawl in a hole and wait for the world to pass. I need those balls back. And I need 'em now.
It's become apparent that here and now just isn't for me.